I Remember
by The Girl in the Red Jacket
Summary: Sometimes you just have to deal with what your dealt. A former Ranger learns that he can't protect one of his loved ones forever. Please r & r...this is what comes out of my mind on too little sleep and bad (as in turning green) pizza!


Disclaimer: I don't own the Power Rangers and never will. *Sniff* Too bad...  
  
Author's Note: Ever had bad pizza and stayed up to late? Well, this is the result. I'm not sure what wee hour of the morning I finished this in but it was too late...If there are some errors or weirdnesses to it I'm sorry. I edited it a little but mostly kept it intact. I thought it was kinda weird to see what my mind comes up with when it's half asleep and more than a bit foggy.  
  
  
I Remember...  
  
"Let us not lament too much the passing of our friends. They are not dead, but simply gone before us along the road which all must travel." ---Antiphanes  
  
"I've never faced anything that surprised me as much as the site that greeted me when I first was allowed permission to visit you. I must have stood in the doorway for ten minutes before I had to come in and sit down lest I let dizziness overcome me. The doctor said that will pass, that it's just part of the concussion but I have to admit I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. I was itching to get out of that exam room so I could find out how you were doing. I figured you would have similar injuries to mine but when Tommy told me the news, that you were in a coma and not likely to wake up, I felt my world come crashing down around my feet.   
  
"Now, sitting beside you and trying to rub some warmth back into your cold hand, even though I realize it's a futile thing to do, I can't help but remember all we've been through and wonder why this has happened.   
  
"It seems so unreal to see you lying here, surrounded by beeping and clicking machines. They've given me this chance to say good bye but I don't know what to say. How do you say good bye to someone you've known for as long as you can remember? I shouldn't have to try and think of a way to say good bye to you, it's much too soon for you to leave us. And you just lay there so motionless, so still that it frightens me. Maybe you were never as lively as Kim or Zack, who always seemed to be on the go, but you never were this immobile and fragile in appearance. Even when you were sleeping you were never this still. I remember at sleep overs, when we were younger, how you always found the weirdest ways to fall asleep...   
  
"Those were the days, eh? We were so carefree then. Up until just after Zack turned eleven and the harsh realities of life suddenly hit us all in the face. But back until then we were still so very innocent. At sleep overs, Zack would always fall asleep first, probably worn out from being in perpetual motion all day, but you and I would stay up until the wee hours of night, talking and scheming about pranks we could play on our sleeping friend. Then, in the depths of the night you would fall asleep, occasionally in mid-sentence, and you found the most amusing ways to do it. There was that one time you fell asleep sitting straight up and that one time you fell asleep on my mother's treadmill and quite often hanging half off the couch. It never failed to get a chuckle out of me to see you sprawled strangely, your glasses cockeyed and falling off.  
  
"I always put them somewhere safe for you.   
  
"When I came back from Geneva for the summer you had gotten contacts. It was so strange to see you without the familiar silver frames. I remember saying I wouldn't have to make sure you put your glass somewhere safe whenever they were liable to fall off. I remember how your eyes misted up at the remark, much like mine were, and then you bowled me over in a fierce hug. We both knew that comment meant more than the simple surface words. You had finally grown out of the awkward stage that had plagued you for so long. I almost felt like you no longer needed me. But as soon as the words came out you tackled me with a bear hug, even though neither of us are the hugging type, and I knew you'd always be my little bro.  
  
"My little bro...I remember the first time I called you that. It was when your mother was dying. Your dad would leave you with my family so he could stay with her in the hospital. You slept in my room, on the cot beside my bed. I would wake in the night to the sounds of your crying. Disregarding whatever normally kept me from hugging anyone but my own mom, I held you as I wish I could now. You seemed to small and lost and hurt at the time that I couldn't help but try to absorb some of your pain. I wish I could do the same thing now. Oh how I wish I could hold you now but I can't, not without harming you further.   
  
"It's funny how our lives can become so interwoven. How just sitting with you, even if you don't know I'm here, can bring back this slew of memories. I honestly think you and Tommy know more about me than I know about myself. It seems unreal to have a group as close as we ours and yet with us it's completely natural. I can tell just by the way you stand what you're feeling. When I see you I know within a few seconds what I should say or do and have some idea of what's going on through that head of yours. How is it possible to be this in tune with you and the others?  
  
"I remember how you used to stand, with your shoulders slightly slumped and your normally expressive eyes shuttered and downcast, staring at the floor. You stood like that whenever you felt particularly overwhelmed or out of place. You look so lost at those moments that its all I can do not to beat whatever made you feel that way to a bloody plup. Though I know you would be mad at me for saying this, you always seemed like someone I had to protect. Not because you were weak or helpless but because there was something about you that needed to grow. A curiosity and intelligence and innocence that had to survive. Killing something like that in a person is simply wrong. Even when we were young I realized that.   
  
"And now, the one time I really need to protect you I can't. Oh God, I would have done anything to have been able to save you, even if it meant taking your place under this spider's web of tubes and monitors. It was the most natural thing in the world for me to drive. There was no reason I shouldn't have. Neither one of us had anything to drink and it was my car but I can't help thinking if you had been in the driver's seat instead of me you our roles would have been reversed. Or maybe if you had gone in another car...  
  
"I know you would be annoyed with me if you could hear me, sitting here and trying to pin the blame on myself somehow. I need someone to blame. I know what you'd say. You'd tell me that I was crazy and that I can't always keep you safe no matter how hard I try. You'd tell me not to blame myself because it wasn't my fault. But, damn it, you're my little bro and I couldn't ensure your safety! I don't care if everyone says it's not my fault and that there was nothing I could have done! I should have been able to do something to help you! I'm so sorry. I..." The burly figure clung to the immobile hand as he started to weep.  
  
Tommy watched from the window of the ICU as Jason broke into sobs beside the motionless form of their former teammate. Jason looked so vulnerable it almost broke Tommy's heart, hurting him even more because of the pale figure he wept for. Tommy knew that his benevolent friend was condemning himself for this even though there was no reason or justification for it. The plaster bandages keeping the former Red Ranger's broken arm in place and the bulky clothe swathed around his head to cover the large gash on his scalp only attributed to the evidence that Jason was as much a victim as their other friend. He too, had been physically hurt in the car crash the two friends had suffered. And the emotional torment Jason was putting himself through...that was another thing all together.   
  
Tommy looked around, checking to see who's shift it was. The nurses were getting to know the group of friends well as at least one of them had been there at all times while their fellow member hung precariously between life and death. Only one person was supposed to be in the small room with the former Ranger at a time but of few of the more magnanimous doctors and nurses had let Tommy nip into the room to lead someone out when they broke down at their friend's bed side. He had been acting as their pillar of strength for this event only because Jason was unable to. Most of the time the former Gold Ranger had been in his own hospital bed, just down the hall.  
  
One of the friendlier nurses smiled a little at Tommy's questioning look and nodded to him. Tommy gave a weak smile back but it was only out of courtesy. He doubted there were many people in Angel Grove more miserable than the group of friends who were losing a well loved member.   
  
"Jason," Tommy said softly as he snaked an arm around his distraught friend, being careful to avoid his injuries, "Come on, Jase. It's time to go."  
  
"No. I won't leave him. I can't leave him," Jason mumbled almost incoherently as he tightly grasped the cold, unresponsive hand in his own.  
  
"You can't do this to yourself," Tommy murmured as he gently but firmly pried Jason's hand away from the limp fingers he clutched, "You're still weak and this can't be helping you get well. Everyone needs you to get well. Come on."  
  
Jason let Tommy lead him out of the room, glancing back at the body of his friend one last time as he did so. Jason wasn't sure if he would ever see him again. Normally he would have resisted leaving, until Tommy would finally shake his head in exasperation and leave him alone for awhile, but his injuries, while not too serious, were enough to lay him up for some time. Right now his head was pounding and he felt dizzy and nauseous; effects from the concussion he had suffered in the crash. His arm wasn't feeling too hot either; it had begun to make itself known again by starting to throb rather mercilessly.   
  
Tommy steered his best friend into a chair, not liking the pallor he saw on the normally calm, stoic features. Jason was not in a good state, physically or emotionally. Tommy had never really had to be strong for Jason before, it was usual visa versa, and seeing this Jason distressed was venturing into unfamiliar territory. The fact that Jason was still recovering from his injuries didn't help matters. The worst part of it all was that both former Rangers were helpless to stop their friend's life from draining away.   
  
"Calm down, Jase, calm down," Tommy tried to sooth his best friend, noticing that the former Gold Ranger's sobs were becoming slightly hysterical.  
  
"I couldn't save him, Tommy. I couldn't save him," Jason sobbed trying to get his normally concealed emotions under control. Jason couldn't remember the last time he'd broken down like this in front of anyone and it made him feel quite ashamed.  
  
"There was nothing you could have done, Jason. There was nothing anyone could have done," Tommy said gently holding his friend as closely as he dared. He had to be careful of Jason's injuries but he had also never seen Jason behave like this and knew for Jason to cry he had to be extremely upset.  
  
"Should have been something I could do..." Jason's voice dropped off a little. He was simply too weak to be dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that were hitting him. It was more than he could handle on top of his own ailments.   
  
"Shh. You've got to calm down, bro," Tommy sighed seeing Trini quietly approaching. It was her turn to sit with the pale man in the room, "Okay, Jase, I'm going to take you home."  
  
"No..." Jason mumbled, "No...I can't leave him alone..."  
  
"Trini's going to be here with him. He won't be alone," Tommy assured his distraught friend, "Come on, you need to rest. I know how much this is hurting you and I'm not going to let you do this to yourself anymore. This is too hard on you, Jase, and I won't let you put yourself through this."  
  
"I...I don't want to leave him...I need to stay..." Jason protested weakly, "...I won't leave..."  
  
"Yes you will," Tommy gently got Jason to his feet and steadied the former Red Ranger when he staggered and almost fell, "You can hate me for this later but I won't let you slip away from me too."  
  
Jason wanted to protest but it was all he could do to keep himself standing even slumped over on Tommy as he was. His whole body had started to scream at him with painful tremors and his head was starting to spin and throb. He slumped against Tommy who was gingerly leading him to his car and felt his best friend's grip on his good shoulder tighten in support. Most things occurring around him didn't really register to Jason as he had exhausted himself to the point where he was already almost half asleep. Vaguely, he realized they had made it to the parking lot and were soon heading away from the hospital, away from the prone figure lying in a bed on the forth floor ICU. Jason's heart broke with the painfully comprehension that he would probably never see his friend alive again, pending a miracle. It was highly unlikely the one time Ranger now in a coma would make it through the night. That was a thought that was more terrible to face than anything Jason had fought before.   
  
His head whirling with wayward thoughts Jason slouched against the car door, sagging in the seat of the car. It felt so good to let his eyes droop shut and leave all his pain and turmoil behind for the time when his body rested and healed from his own injuries. He found it increasingly hard to resist the siren song of slumber and at last gave in; a final tear managing to trickle down the side of his face as his midnight eyes slipped shut. When Tommy pulled up in the driveway of his home, where Jason was staying for the time being, the erstwhile Red Ranger had fallen a sleep from the emotional and physical strain this day was putting on him.   
  
*****  
  
It was a gray, drizzly day that fit Jason's mood perfectly. He stood before a grayish white headstone and spoke in a soft voice to someone he wasn't sure could hear him, "You held on for two more days, bro. You proved everyone wrong one last time, the doctors said you wouldn't make it past the first night."  
  
"Jason," A voice said behind him. Jason didn't have to turn to know it was Tommy. Out of everyone, only he had much luck in being able to reach Jason through the walls he had constructed around himself.  
  
"I thought I'd find you here," Tommy said softly as he came to stand beside his best friend.   
  
"Didn't know where else to go," Jason replied quietly. If it had been anyone else, he would have remained silent but Tommy always got an answer, even if it wasn't always a coherent answer or one he wanted to hear.  
  
Tommy said nothing more, only stood with Jason and waited. He could read the signs his best friend was giving off well. The two of them were made from the same metal, the things Jason did were basically the same things Tommy would do if their positions were reversed. When viewing his actions from the outside Tommy could clearly see Jason was on his way to a breakdown while when he was displaying those signs himself he could never realize it. It was killing him to see Jason like this. Jason was always to sure, so strong, so invincible and to see him like this scared Tommy.  
  
Jason was going to explode, all he needed was the catalyst to set him off. Tommy planned to be there when he went off and if he had anything to say about it he would be the impetus Jason needed to let everything out in the open. Then he could deal with it and would have friends to help him if he let them in. Hiding everything away from the world was only eating Jason from the inside.   
  
Jason was too lost in his grief to realize what he was doing to himself. He kept falling deeper into his funk, pushing everyone, save Tommy, away as he did so. The only reason he had not pushed him away as well was because Tommy could be as stubborn as he was and quite frankly he didn't feel well enough to put up the effort involved. Instead it was almost a comfort to have Tommy stand there with him in silence. Jason felt comfortable enough in his presence to voice a question.  
  
"Why did this happen? I've been asking myself why but I can't find an answer, any answer. I want an answer, Tommy, I need an answer, some reason why this happened," Jason whispered, lowering his head.  
  
Tommy saw his chance but Jason looked so lost and alone that he almost didn't take it. Reminding himself it was better for Jason to get everything off his chest now rather than letting it build up, Tommy used an answer he knew would upset his friend, "It was his time, Jase. It was just his time."  
  
Jason's head snapped up, his eyes flashing angrily. He did not believe that anyone with as much promise and happiness in their life could have their time be up so quickly, "His time? HIS TIME? How can you say that? That is such bullshit! And you know it! You know it, Tommy! He wasn't supposed to die this way! He was supposed to die an old man, not at twenty one years old! How can you say it was his time? How can you say that, you bastard!?"  
  
Tears were streaming down Jason's face and his eyes were livid. Tommy quickly reached out and smothered him in a tight, bear hug; wanting to comfort his friend and also keep him from hurting himself with a hasty action. For a few minutes Jason beat against Tommy's chest with his good arm, struggling to get away from his friends embrace. His weak, half hearted struggles became less and less until he broke down completely, clutching Tommy tightly and sobbing until his cries became hysterically.  
  
"Why?" Jason cried as he clung to Tommy trying to find comfort amid the depths of grief he had buried himself in, "He did nothing to deserve this! NOTHING! And it didn't matter. Nothing he did or accomplished mattered because he still died. After everything he's done and everything he's lived through something like this...some stupid drunk driver was what killed him. It's not fair! It's not right! Why, dammit, why!?"   
  
Tommy waited for Jason's sobs to pass, making soft noises of comfort, before he spoke with words that he had come up with after a his own bout with the grief and anger this experience had caused, "But it does matter, Jase. What he accomplished and went through matters even if it couldn't help save him. All the things he did matter to you and me and the others. He can never be gone or forgotten unless we let him be and I don't intend to forget him, not ever. We carry the memory of all he's done with us now and it's up to us to make sure that the part of him that will always be with us does not vanish into the night."  
  
Tommy noticed that his friends cries had calmed down though tremors still ran through the strong body, "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Jason. You can't let yourself fall to pieces. We need you to much for that and do you really think he would have wanted you to be like this? Do you really think he would want to cause you this pain?" Tommy didn't wait for an answer he already knew what it would be, "What happened was not any fault of your own and beating yourself up over the outcome won't help anyone, yourself especially."  
  
"Tommy...I can't...I couldn't help him..." Jason whispered, clinging stubbornly to the guilt that had engulfed him as soon as he had learned of their friend's condition.  
  
"Jason, there was no way you, or anyone else, could have helped him. It was not your fault! He couldn't be reached soon enough to be saved and you were knocked unconscious in the crash! What could you have done while you were unconscious and injured yourself!?" Tommy chided, wanting to make him see what the rest of the former Rangers already understood, "The accident was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. If you need to blame someone go with the obvious choice! You weren't the one drunk that night," Reminding Jason of the other driver who was the cause of the crash made a small impact on him.   
  
The small part of Jason's mind that still held onto the feeling he was responsibly for his friend's death wavered. Any last doubts as to whether or not he could succeed in dealing with what felt like all consuming grief was banished with Tommy's next words, "Please, Jase, we need you too much to lose you too. The others need you, they depend on you."  
  
Jason's stiffened slightly at that statement and let out a dry sob as the relevance of the words hit home. Yes, his friend was gone. He could not help him anymore and he felt wretched because of that. But he had let his grief and anger and fears get in the way of something he had always prided himself in being able to do. Looking out for his friends had always been something that came natural to Jason and faced with the death of one of them felt to him like a failure. It caused an unnatural doubt to surface in Jason's mind. He could not a would not allow himself to seal off from those who still loved and needed him because of that doubt. And there was one thing he could not deny; the man buried in the plot beneath them would not want him to be reacting like this.   
  
Untangling himself from Tommy's embrace Jason dropped to his knees gingerly, fully aware that his friend would probably have to give him a hand up. As it was the former White Ranger stood at his side, a hand resting comfortingly on his shoulder. Running his fingers over the name carved deep within the stone he whispered, "I'll remember you, bro. I'll always remember."  
  
With that the healing Tommy had wished his friend could begin started. It would be a long road yet but both knew that the scars left from this tragic event would fade though they would never disappear completely. But that, perhaps, is part of remembering. Maybe the scars they would bear had a purpose; to remind them of the tolls they paid and of what losses were suffered along the way. No matter what happened they would not let the things that shook their lives tear them apart, individually or as a group, and even those who passed on remained part of their circle though they could not be seen.  
  
As they two men walked away they were watched by a lone figure in blue, standing next to the tombstone in solemn silence. In a quiet voice inaudible to those with mortal ears he whispered, "You'll be okay, Jason. I know you will."  
  
With that the man disappeared into the misty air, leaving no trace that betrayed the fact he was there. The not quite opaque form vanished from in front of the tombstone which told those who visited the cemetery in bold scrawl:  
  
William James Cranston  
A Hero In His Own Right  
You Will Be Remembered 


End file.
